I don’t care

To all the those one Indians who don’t care and think we need to calm down.  To all those Indians that don’t realize part of who we are is caring about the future.  We will always have that fight in us.  Don’t you care?

I don’t care if you don’t care about the KXL pipeline, I won’t bother telling you how much I do.  If you think it will bring so many jobs here, then I hope you get one and I won’t care when they lay you off after they use you up.  I will remember you when the pipeline poisons the only water that we have had since the dinosaurs roamed the earth.  I will remember you when the wells run dry and chaos breaks loose.  I will remember you when everyone is fighting over water and I will remember how you had money while people were sleeping in cars protesting the pipeline and going to prison for it.  I will remember you wanted that job when there are no jobs.  I will remember you when wildlife starts to die from people messing with and disrespecting Earth.  I will remember…you didn’t care when you are thirsty.

I don’t care if you are Indian and you don’t care if you are called redskin or you don’t see anything wrong with it. I won’t try to explain to you, if you won’t listen. I do care, however, that my future grandchildren will never know this word.  I will remember you when you act shocked at the rudeness of a people who came to the land we belong to and dishonored us from the beginning by putting our people through hundred of years of genocide.  I will remember that you don’t care when you learn what they did to your grandmother and grandfather in boarding school..  I will remember you when you finally see the shame our people were put through and I will remember that you do not care if they call you a redskin, because most likely one of your ancestors was scalped for a reward.  And you not caring is like Dan Snyder carrying your scalp in his greedy grubby paw like a reward.  Yes, Dan Snyder has your scalp, because you don’t care.

I don’t care that you get ashamed of angry Indians.  It is not my fault you can not see blatant truths and harsh realities when it comes to our sacred women, instead you only see Indians protesting and you are more shamed by angry Indians than by our women being disrespected.  I will remember you when you ignore the statistics of our women being murdered and raped at an alarmingly higher rate than any other culture in America.  I will remember you see nothing wrong with the hyper sexualization of Native women in the land they originate from.  I will remember that you saw nothing wrong with the Pocahontas hottie costume celebrities and models seem to like.  I will remember you didn’t think it was a big deal and we are just a bunch of angry natives who like to fight all the time.  I will remember you because you have a grandmother and mother and more than likely will have daughters.  I will remember that you forgot who builds our nations and who are the hearts of our nations.

I don’t care if you don’t care about our Earth and you don’t care if it gets trashed by trash, by fracking, mining, greed, pure greed.  We need to change, we need to live in this world today you say.  We need to quit hanging onto the past.  The past you are ashamed of is not the shameful past the history books omitted, the shame you feel is for the fight we still have in us.  You are one of those one Indians, colonized.  You are one of those Indians who think colonized means you have an iPhone.

I don’t care because there will be a day, you have to start caring.  There will be a day no one will stand up and fight for you.  I don’t care for your harsh words about angry Indians now, but when you see you have no where else to turn but back to who you are, I will be there because I will care for the future of our people.  And your people will be there waiting for you to come back to who you are.

If I am not there, one of my children will be.  If they are not there, one of my grandchildren will be.

They will know our fights, our rights, our history.  They will care, because all of that time, that is why I care.

I am an Indian Woman

I am an Indian woman

who stands tall and proud

as short as I am

I am an Indian woman

strong and loud

as quiet as I seem

I am an Indian woman

you do not mess with

because you don’t know

I am an Indian woman

wild and restless

in her own land

I am an Indian woman

respectful but mistreated

one too many times

I am an Indian woman

whose never been defeated

so many times

I am an Indian woman

who learned from her grandmother

how to be.

I am an Indian woman

and there is no other

kind of woman I would ‘wannabe.’

dlh

Letting our children grow.

Being the mother of three boys and a daughter is not easy. In fact, being a mother is not easy. And watching them grow into adults is a mixed up time in life. You swell with pride watching them become who they need to be in life and at the same time you worry about them and what they are going to do in life. That one point where they become responsible for their actions and you can no longer save them from the evils of the world is a scary time for mothers, well at least for me. I always wanted to be that one they run to when they need me but there were times in their lives when I wasn’t there and other people, friends of mine were. I am and will always forever be grateful to those who were and they know who they are.

I guess I am just at that point in life where you realize your kids will now be adults and maybe it is exciting for them to grow up and become responsible, but I am the one having a hard time adjusting to this new role. I am supposed to be the one who can’t bake a good cookie if her life depended on it for them, the one who chases the monsters away, and the one who makes it all better when they need me. Maybe in a way I still am, I am the one they call when they have a problem, and whether I decide or not to help them with that problem or let them solve it on their own, (as I sit back and hold myself back from jumping in to make it better for them.) I don’t want them to have that victim mentality but rather the warrior/survivor mentality of taking care of yourself and your own.

Yes, it is hard to watch my children grow up. I will still always be that mom that worries about them. At the same time, I am the mother who will let them be adults and learn the ways of the world on their own. That is because, I simply won’t always be here. But I will always be their mom. I will always love them as hard as it is for me to let them learn life’s lessons on their own, and they will always love me. We have a deal, see.

The Rez Hustle

The rez hustle is something we all know how to do and are capable of doing. Especially if we grew up with poverty. Even if we didn’t know we were so poor. I never realized my rez was so poor, because I always saw the hustle going on. People selling a pair of earrings to get something to eat. People picking cans to get their next drink, or people pawning their lamps to go to bingo. I have seen and heard it all.
The worst thing I heard was someone once tried to sell the blue dot cut out from a National Enquirer magazine. I have never confirmed this rumor to be true nor do I want to know. But I think if you go so far as to try and sell the lucky blue dot from a magazine, it obviously does not work because you are just not that lucky.

But we grew up, all us rezzers with the innate ability to hustle. It was something that comes naturally and is learned. It is like when my auntie used to buy cheap leather coats at the thrift stores so she could use the leather to bead on. Or when my grandma saved bacon grease to cook with later. Or one time I bought some artwork from an elderly lady and I noticed the tin cones on the leather looked odd, in a cool way. So I looked on the inside and she had cut up a pepsi can to make the tin cones. You see people selling stuff all the time. Kids gathering the peppermint tea and selling it at the Common Cents store. People selling food, artwork and botanicals they gather. One time someone even sold a rock to a tourist or I remember hearing when I was a little girl that one of my relatives sold those nasty little stickers that get stuck to your socks to a few tourists as porcupine eggs.

Yes, we know how to get along in a poor world. We can definitely talk the talk then, but what happens when we leave?

Do we take our hustle with us? Do we use all of our innate abilities we used to strive in a poor world in another world? A world that is moving too fast and willing to leave whoever isn’t ready behind?

We have been on the reservation for over a hundred years and we have been one of the poorest places in America for over a hundred years. And we survived. So all this struggle we talk of that our ancestors would probably laugh at us for should be used in a way to show the world what we are made of. We have every ability to still be a great people, to be supportive of each other and to move forward. Our destiny is in our hands, we deserve the life we were meant to live and that does not include struggling. It means to use our ability to survive to make a better life for ourselves. Turn your hustle around and use it in a good way. I didn’t write my book to become rich, I honestly wrote it because I knew of my past and my history and I owned up to my mistakes. I wrote the book so I wouldn’t go down as a bad guy, instead I wanted to be known as an author. Getting paid for the book is a bonus.

Use your rez hustle and make your dreams come true. I just crossed a dream off when I saw the Yankees play.

How Can You Not Be Romantic About Baseball?

It’s a metaphor, supposedly. Right? Or is the reader just thinking, oh no another blog about baseball. This chick! She even had the nerve to put baseball in her first novel, who cares?

Haha, well I do.

And who says it is a metaphor, if you love baseball, really love baseball it is a lifelong affair. I saw my grandma love baseball all her life and so much she passed the love down. Until I went to my first major league game a few weeks ago, I thought I was a baseball fan. I thought I knew everything, well almost everything there is to know about baseball.

then I realized there is a whote other dimension to the way I have been watching baseball. And I can’t wait to learn more. From the swish of the pitch to the crack of the bat. From the faces of the players to the signals from the catchers.

I will never forget this and the person who taught me, another way to watch baseball.

How can you not be romantic about baseball?

Ancestors on Money

$$$

Money stamped
with faces of our ancestors
As if to honor
those whose faces
grace the silver
and gold
As if silver and gold
Did not take the land
of where these men
roamed freely
Money stamped
with the people
who have lived in poverty
once money started being made
Put our faces on your greed
When that money
no longer has value
We will still be here
with our values.

dlh

Find your Independence

Independence Day rolls around once again with the ohs and ahs of the pretty fireworks, the annoying sound of firecrackers, and the into all hours of the night bottle rocket wars. People all over have cook outs and enjoy family time. Some people use it as an excuse to drink.

Many people don’t look at it as more than a holiday to spend time with loved one, a day off from work, or little boys look at it as a chance to explode some things.

I never liked the holiday myself. To me it represented my fear of loud things popping and exploding. Yes, there is such a thing, such as a fear of balloons, and don’t come near me with one. When I was 8 years old I was in the hospital in Gordon, Nebraska because my appendix nearly burst. It happened the day before the 4th of July and this was back in the day when hospitals actually cared about you and let you take time to heal up from even minor surgeries. I had recently been with a friend when she picked her brother up limping from the hospital after his appendix surgery. I asked when he went in and she said that morning. It was as if he went through a drive through surgery, I am sure those are next.Then again this was back when hospitals belonged to the city it was in and not some corporation and doctors cared for you instead of sending you off to a heart hospital or a spine hospital.

Anyway, I remember the nurses feeling bad for me because I would be missing the 4th of July at home. “I don’t care, I said. I hate it.”

“Don’t say that,” the nurse said. “This is the day we celebrate freedom.”

I said nothing back, because I didn’t know what freedom was. I asked around when I returned home. Everyone had the same answers, we celebrate our soldiers fighting for us. We celebrate our independence. I was satisfied with that answer.

Then I grew up.

Now, I realize why people do celebrate the 4th because they want to be with family and enjoy a fun time. But as I see people back home all fighting each other, mad at council. The tribal council very few of the people vote into place fighting each other, no one getting along because of suspicion of funds misused, etc. It makes me wonder, at what point were we Lakota ever “independent?” Sure we can walk off and leave our reservation and home and people behind, but is that independence knowing everything and everyone back home and every job with the tribe is dependent on the government who broke every single treaty with us? Knowing that after all the government took from us, what they give us is being fought over like scraps thrown to dogs?

How do we celebrate Independence Day when we are so dependent on a government who set us up in a system to keep us poor? Is independence living on a reservation with horrible healthcare while the rest of the country has top of the line healthcare they have to pay through the nose for? Is independence being able to say this is your land, and you can sell it back to the tribe, but you can never take a loan out on it because it is in government trust?

Are we really independent when we have to fight for the rights of our land, our water, and everything is regulated even down to what we hunt and fish to provide for our family?

So are you going to celebrate your independence? Or you going to find it?