We Were Once-Still Warriors

I think of the history of our people, as Lakota how can we not be so proud of who we are and where we come from?

The government did what they could to ruin us, destroy us…and when they figured out it would never work to kill us off because we were never going away.  They did what they could to kill our souls.  To kill our spirits.

They tried to assimilate us in every way possible.  They cut our hair, raped our women and children, beat our babies for speaking their language, took away our right to hunt, took our sacred land….do I have to go on and on with every single atrocity?  Do I have to number or alphabetize what this government did to us?

They made our men who were once warriors of a proud nation, warriors who ambushed the government and beat it on our own soil, warriors who provided for their families for thousands of years,  they made our warriors feel defeated by handing them a depressant in the form of alcohol.

Not every warrior, mind you,  but enough to affect the next seven generations.

There were enough people, that didn’t succumb to alcoholism.  Throughout the next seven generations.   I was not one of them.  There are times in my youth I remember it being a real factor and times, many times as an adult when I wished it hadn’t been a factor.

But I am not one person to pretend that everything is rosy.  I fell and fell hard.  How many times do I have to say that to my own people?  I do not think I am better than anyone because I write about the negative impacts of it now, I just know that if I had that time over again, I would definitely not let it affect what kind of parent I was or really, what kind I wasn’t.  Because what matter is what kind of parent I am right now.

My kids love me and that is all that matters, we move forward.

I am doing what I can to let them know to support their people, all of them.  If an elder is around, you better not be sitting down, don’t eat before them or young children, and don’t look your elders in the eyes when you speak to them.

I want them to know it is was’te/good to stand up for your beliefs, what you think is right, for your people.

Because no matter what the government did to us, tried to do to us, we are still warriors.

If another person is fighting for the better of our people, don’t put them down because everyone else is.  Don’t hate on your own people.

How do you ever expect us to be the great warrior nation, the buffalo people of the North if all you can do is put each other down.  The government don’t have to assimilate the assimilated.

Stand up, sit down, or get out of the way.

Not one person defeated General Custer and the 7th Cavalry.

They worked together and it would be nice if that could happen again.  We don’t have to defeat the army but we can be bigger than the army.  We have more spirit as Lakota people than a whole army does.

We have our ancestors behind us.

Now let us start making them know that their fight was worth it.

listened to while writing

Graveyard on a Golf Course

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The rain fell softly and gently this past Sunday, almost as if someone were quietly weeping.  It was a sporadic sprinkle, as if someone was saying, don’t forget about us.    I went with my brother and sister in law to an honoring ceremony held on a golf course in the small town of Canton, South Dakota.

The southeastern corner of South Dakota had two honoring ceremonies, two memorials this past weekend.  I attended the second one but saw the first one on the news.

The first one was in Sioux Falls, South Dakota at a beautiful park called Falls Park, where just a few months before a 28 year old Lakota man, Lyle Eagle Tail  and 16 year old  Madison Wallace, who never met each other, jumped in the foamy waters to save the life of the young 6 year old child who was the girl’s younger brother.  While they saved his life, they both sacrificed their young lives.  So far there has been an unsuccessful campaign to rename the park after them or erect memorials in their honor.

However, a 10 foot bronze statue made by  sculptor Darwin Wolf was dedicated in a grand ceremony on Friday.  A ceremony celebrating the accomplishments and joy of the life of South Dakota’s first Senator R.F. Pettigrew.  Senator Pettigrew was known for shaping the state’s economy.  Often donating land for development and recreation himself.

Just two days later, after that honoring I found myself traveling just south of Sioux Falls to the small town of Canton to witness another honoring ceremony.  Except this one was not one where you clap your hands and praise someone for all they did to shape your state.  While it still involved Senator Richard Pettigrew, it did not sing praises to Pettigrew.

In the late 1890’s Senator Pettigrew traveled to Washington, DC to push for the institution in South Dakota to be built for Indians who had gone mad from across the nation.  But history also tells us that most of these Indians were not insane, they had just not conformed and assimilated to living the way of the white man.  The government thought it would be a step forward in improving upon the “savagery ways” of Native Americans and Pettigrew had his supporters to push it through.

If they were not mentally ill upon arrival before they entered the Canton Insane Asylum for Indians, they would soon be with their living conditions including laying in a darkened room with windows nailed shut for days at a time.  One patient even reported to be laying in the same room for three years straight.  Some patients lay in straight jackets for hours, one as young as ten years of age.  The chamberpot of these “patients” often went unchanged and urine and feces flooded the only room they knew.  If any patients escaped, they were hunted down with guns and an escape party.  Babies were born and died at the asylum, there are no details as to how they were conceived to patients or how they died.

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The conditions at the insane asylum were so horrible by the standards of 1929 when Dr. Samuel Silk, the Clinical Director at America’s premier psychiatric hospital, St. Elizabeth’s in Washington, DC visited he had this to say;

“Three patients were found padlocked in rooms. One was sick in bed, supposed to be suffering from a brain tumor, being bedridden and helpless…a boy about 10 years of age was in a strait jacket lying in his bed…one patient who had been in the hospital six years was padlocked in a room and, according to the attendant, had been secluded in this room for nearly three years.”

 

He also realized that most patients were not insane but had clashed with white men;

“Would not the United States, if it could be held liable at all, be liable in these cases for enormous damages? The records of the asylum itself show them to be perfectly sane. They are known to be perfectly sane, to the director of the asylum Dr. Hummer. But he assumed the position that these people were below normal – mentally deficient – and they should only be discharged after they were sterilized, and as he did not have any means of doing this, there was nothing left but to keep them there.”

The insane asylum was closed in 1933 under Roosevelt, much to the disappointment of local Canton residents who took the case to federal court to keep their main employer open.  Ten years later the government sold the 100 acre property to the city of Canton for one dollar.  No one in the city thought it was strange to build a golf course around the graveyard.  They never told anyone until the “Indians found out” according to the Craig Brown, who was the attorney for the land sale that the time.

Harold Iron Shield found out and held prayer memorials there for two decades, while he investigated the names of those who passed.    The ceremonies ceased after his death in 2008 and this year was the first time a ceremony was held since then.

So when we pulled up to a golf course, which is the first time I ever went to a golf course in my life, I saw young men dejectedly walking away with their clubs.  They had to wait according to one groundskeeper until 3pm to play.  It was closed by the club for the ceremony.  The ceremony that was held on a somewhat, rainy spring Sunday honored those who passed away and lived out their days with a broken heart.  Lived their days out not knowing whether they would ever go home,  and were buried in a ground with no honor, no remembrance, and nothing to mark their graves. The Indian Office at the time thought that marking their graves was an “added expense they could not afford.”  They did not get a ten foot statue like the man who put them there.   I was saddened to be there, to hear the names of even babies called out,  and I tied a ribbon on the shoddy fence that don’t keep golfers out but only warns them to not hit their balls out of the cemetery. (They get a free drop to play the ball outside the cemetery.  However they have to walk on top of those whose names were forgotten for years to get their ball.)

I will never forget Mary Pierre.  I did not know her.  I don’t know if she had children, had a favorite color, or if she looked at that Canton sky and dreamed of home.  But I know I tied a black ribbon to the west for her.  She died there on May 16, 1917.  And I will never forget that. Or the lives of the 121 Native Americans who represent 49 nations that lie in unmarked graves between the 4th and 5th fairway.

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Three hours of one day and a stupid song

I walked around and around the holding cell.  My shackles only allowed so much give.  Stupid ass song was in my head and I have no idea why.  “You walked into the party like you were walking into a yacht…”

I couldn’t understand why Carly Simon was in my head when clearly, there were other songs I knew all the words to.  I was waiting for the marshals to come get me and lead me in the court room.  I read the scratched in writing in the painted metal door and bench.  Angry Indians leaving messages to the government, leaving words to their loved ones who might also by chance sit in this holding cell as they too faced federal charges.  My heart beat along with the song in my head.

I started counting my steps.  Became bored after a thousand…song still in my head….“I bet you think this song is about you, dontchu?”

I tried to not think about my fate lying in the hands of the judge they called an “Indian Hanger.”  I tried not to think about my kids.  I tried not to think about my life.  I just wanted to be strong, don’t cry whatever you do.  You’re going to be judged a bad person for the rest of your life so fuck everyone.

Finally I heard the ominous footsteps, and shackles dragging from another Indian who was just sentenced.

They open my door.  ”Ready Lone Hill?”

I say nothing and walk in the courtroom.  Look past the white men, my dad said, beyond the.  They are nothing to you but white men.  You have ancestors behind you.

MY dad, grandma, and adopted brother were in the courtroom.  It felt good to see them but I didn’t want to be sentenced in front of anyone.  No reporters, thank god.  My kids didn’t need to see bullshit about me.

The sentencing went fast, I remember my voice shaking as I read my statement but only because of my fear of public speaking.  I wasn’t scared.  I knew they were going to give me 12 months.  We had all agreed on that.  I could handle that even though I didn’t want to.  I just sat 4 in the county.  I remember the judge asking me why?  Why?  Why?  Why the fuck would he ask me about something he was going to judge me on? It was already done.

I looked past him, don’t remember my answer, just kept looking past him.  You’re nobody I thought.  He heard my thoughts.  ”Eighteen months.”  He said and his gavel came down.

I nodded.  What an asshole.  My lawyer whispered to me he would meet me at my holding cell and that I could say hi to my family bot no hugs or touching.

I smiled at them as I walked out.  Weak smile, my grandma still looked ever so regal, head held high and hurt.  My bro Tobe, nodded back.  The way hoods nod at each other.  My dad had tears in his eyes.

My heart broke.

I put my head down and walked out the courtroom as hot tears fell.

Fuuuck the feds I screamed in my head.  They won’t hold me down to ever feel this way again.

I put my head up, tears kept falling and I looked through every person in that courthouse as if they were invisible.

This will all be over soon.  I thought as I boarded the cargo elevator in my chains.

Destination Rez

The state winning championship team sat in their bus.  The girls basketball team were weary.  They had been beaten and bruised in that battle called a basketball game.  they were tired of hicks calling them squaws, and tired of stupid people putting their hands to their mouth as if making a war cry, tired of being told to go back to their trashy reservation. 

They could have fought the big tractor ass white girls, instead the fought on the court without trying to foul out the best way they knew how.

They played rez ball.  they ran and ran the big thunder thigh girls in circles.  They had them sweaty and pink like the hogs they farm.  Some were so red in the face their eyebrows glowed white.

Down right ugly.

The game ended with the rez girls being up by 7.  A small crowd gathered and cheered them on.  They walked out of the state arena proud, heads held high, and spit on and booed and called names.

Go back to the rez!  Screamed the crowd.

We will as champions, you honky fuckers.  Screamed one of their fans back.

When they hit reservation lines, people wrote on sheets, on cardboard, congratulating the girls, on the side of the road.  They still had over 70 miles to drive.  And people stood outside their houses, cars followed them in.

The girls started to get fired up despite their bruised and tired bodies.  They took turns peeking out of the emergency hatch on top of the bus at the caravan behind them in the fading evening sun.  They waved and their reservation honked and cheered.

When they pulled into town, there was a crowd waiting, along with tribal council, and a drum group.  The smell of sage in the air…

The girls cried as the drum group sang an honor song.  They were home, where they were loved.  They did all that only to come back home and show the rez they made it.  Made it ok to be from the rez.

 

Spring Represents

Spring is beautiful, but Autumn was always my season.  The crisp Autumn air, cook-outs—even if it was just hot dogs, brats,  and football.  Many people find the phrase “promise” goes with spring but it always fit autumn in my life.  A promise of a season of football, holidays that warm the home with delicious scents.  Baseball winds down and soups bubble slowly on  stove top with promies of a harvest…yeah that is what autumn is to me.

Being from the rez, spring meant melting snow, trash appearing, and mud.

Until two years ago.

Two years ago in the spring of 2011 I walked out of a federal prison with 98 dollars in my hand.  (Don’t believe rumors that they let you go with hundreds to make a new life.)  That was my monthly 18 dollar paycheck for working at 12 cents an hour @40 hours a week plus what the country deemed I needed to start a new life.

Just the fact that I had nickels and dimes and quarters and twenties and ones and fives and tens in my hand…in my hand!  I felt stupid staring at the money as if I just jumped off a boat at the Statue of Liberty and walked into a new land.

It was an ugly spring day, grey….dreary.  The girl I went in with from Sioux Falls onto the con-air flight to the federal transfer center to the con-air flight back towards Minnesota (This government flew me to Kansas City to Oklahoma City for a week to fly me back to a prison that was only three hours away from where they picked me up and threw me shackled on a plane, yo taxpayers) Anyway, I made this journey with a few women and this girl was one that had the same release date as me.  So on this ugly spring day while I breathed air that always stunk from the inside, I never smelled air like that, it was freedom.  Everything about that day was epic and I was so punked.  Everything was beautiful and monumental and my friend was sitting there crying like a bitch for her girlfriend she left on the inside.  I felt like slapping her.

We spent money at the gas station where we waited for our bus to take us to our halfway houses.  The small towns flew by in my memory.  I saw people going on with their everyday life and here I was thinking, we were just locked up in a complex not to far from where you all live.  All these emotions, thousands of people inside this fence who miss home and hate your fuckin town.  Yet they never seen your town, and here you go bringing homemade fudge home from a bake sale that was at a church probably not far from where all these emotions are fenced in.

I got off the bus to catch a ride to the halfway house.  It was a Christian halfway house and it sucked worse than prison and county jail.  Young twenty year olds running it and totally disrespecting your humanity because of a few bad apples.  I don’t care if you just peed, I need a drug test in five minutes and all you get to drink is a tiny 4 oz cup of water so pee!

Fuck that.

Horrible, horrible spring, except-I did everything right.  I wasn’t a twenty year old who knew everything.  I been around the block a time or two and wanted my freedom.  I kept to myself.  Lent my shoulder for other twenty year old roommates to cry on.  Felt the pain of their lives.  Listened.

And I got out.

And I looked over my shoulder all the time.  I still do.

It was a beautiful spring of freedom but I think of those I left behind everyday. I think of their stories I listened to.  I think of the tears I saw but never looked at.  I think of the woman who did 14 years and still cried for wanting to go home, yet her home was no longer there.  I think of the roommate who still has 20 years.  I think of the tears I cried in the shower because it was the only place I could.  I think of people that shouldn’t be there.  Like the elderly Native lady whose kids sold drugs and she knew.  18 years because she knew her kids sold drugs.

These memories shackle me to the past so judgment from the outside don’t fuck with my head.

I don’t give a crap what people think of me, I move forward.  I regret losing time, but I don’t forget.

The other day, people on the news were harsh because two of the girls in Cleveland didn’t try to escape for their freedom like the one Native girl did.

This country has no empathy.

I only want people to understand, when you do time,  it stays with you.  You move on in life, do great things for people or yourself but that time taken from you never leaves.  I understand why they didn’t run.

It’s why I look over my shoulder everyday.

Spring now represents freedom to me.

 

 

#PumpedUpKicks

Whether they were lime green chucks

or the comfy ass wedding flip flops

The kick ass boots

or the jail house crocs

The steel toe feddy issued combats

that told the world

shes no good

or the worn nikes that scream

she is trying dammit

give her a break.

all those kicks

only mean

i can support myself

but dammit i need all of you

my first belief

There are so many, so many things to believe in

Especially as a woman aboriginal of Turtle Island

All the wrongs this red, white, and blue

Have done to my people for hundred of years

 

They are now committing these same acts

of torture, terrorism, thievery, and pain 

To be carried on through our next

Five sets of grandchildren

 

I know what we need to fight for

Battles never ending on the plains

I know to be at our strongest point

We must believe in ourselves and

stand alone in the rain.

 

 

Winter Flower

So I am supposed to write about this new decade I hit last year. I hit the big 4-0. This year I am 41.

Since it is the beginning of a new decade, this is what my plan is.

I spent the first decade of my life basically trying to be carefree. However, a couple of incidents left me, hurt, broken, and afterwards feeling like I was never good enough. I burrowed within trying to hide my shameful self from the world. I was just a little girl, and had no idea it wasn’t my fault.

My teen age years I spent looking for love. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to be loved. I wanted that fairy tale. I thought I found that fairy tale at 16. He shot himself when we were 17. I thought I found that fairy tale at 17. I never learned in that decade that a fairy tale was fiction.

In my twenties, the third decade of my life, I stayed with my fairy tale co star. We had 3 sons. We thought we were in love or I did. He still was looking for love and I was trying to keep him home. I realized after 11 years, I would never be happy and my kids did not need to. See our fighting. I left him and drove over 600 miles to start a new life with my kids.

In my 30s, I had a few relationships back home. One resulted in a marriage that was a sham, one resulted in a felony conviction, and the last one resulted in the worst broken heart that I never thought existed. I was hurt while I did time.

This is the beginning of my 5th decade and I see how it is time to heal. Heal the broken spirit taken from me at age 6. Heal the heart that was broken to pieces by an ex and family member, heal my soul back into freedom and for once, love myself.

I always knew what I was capable of. I let my energy and heart and spirit and my pure essence go to loving without the return.

This is my time. My decade. To take care of me. Fulfill the dreams I looked to others to fill. I am that flower that survived the winter. Time to bloom.

Ain’t gotta lie to kick it

My grandmother’s legacy to me.

My grandmother introduced me to her lifestyle when I was five years old.  Her screaming, her ranting, her raving.  Her stomping, her anger, her heart.  Her love and her long line of men.  They came and they went.

There is your new grandpa she would say.

I would size him up but they never measured up to my real Grandpa Rusty, or my fantasy Grandpa Elvis.

And I bet none of them could sing like either of my Grandpas.

Every spring, we would start with our love.

We would follow these men.

If we were lucky, or they were lucky, until October.

Then, it was a long good bye to them. As if they were bears who hibernate for the winter.  The last day in October with them was as bittersweet as my last evening visiting my Grandma.

She left this legacy with me though, to fancy these men throughout my life, too.  I too, have had a long line of them boys of summer.

I anxiously await every spring for their return to my life and say a bittersweet good bye in October every year.

My grandmother, left her love.  Her legacy for me to carry on.

Baseball is our heart.

Dedicated to Gramma Dod.

Rez Car, Sweet Rez Car

Our car was funny as far as rez cars go. When we came to a stop it blew a smoke screen out the back and made the cars behind us disappear. Mom said it was magic, watch this she would say to my little brother and sister. They would watch out back and laugh as the car behind us disappeared. I was in junior high school, 8th grade. And I would walk to school rather than have my mom give me a ride. I know it hurt her feelings. She did odd jobs here and there and we never had money. Our clothes we got for free from the church and they sucked. But I found being a loner at school worked for me. Then I could pretend I didn’t give a fuck when I really did. Our rez car, my mom took extreme pride in. She was always under the hood, changing spark plugs, boosting it, cleaning battery cables. She knew more about cars than any boyfriend she ever had. She kept the big beastly thing going. She kept it clean. Our reservation is poor, so it was not the only a rez car, but it was ours. Because other than staying with this grandma or that aunt or if my mom found a boyfriend for a month or two. Our rez car was the only home we had while we waited for my mom’s name to come up on the housing list. She was number 78 on the list.

#EveryDayInMay writing challenge for the On The Warpath Women Writing Challenge. Today’s theme was “rez car.”

Ain’t gotta lie to kick it