How I Maintain…now

I was thinking the other day and well everyday I think think think, too much. how do you not? I think constantly while at work, on the bus, while walking…..thoughts race and crawl through my head.
I was thinking this evening as the bus raced past the busiest street in this state and past the bars and I looked out the window towards the bars and saw a few people sitting in the bar, probably visiting before the action started, slowly sipping on a drink through a tiny straw before they started slamming shots with names like “panty droppers” or “snakebites” or slowly sucking on a beer before they started slamming them, before the bar got packed and everyone started looking good, or maybe they were actually just there for that one drink, but as I looked through the windows watching people getting their drink on I remembered when I was them.
When I would sit and think if I started slow, I would be good, only to end up with a killer hangover the next day. I could almost smell the bar, the alcohol, the mixture of smell goods people doused themselves in, just in case…you know.

And I think back to when I decided to be sober.

I’m not sure when it was.

I know for sure it was after I got out.

I am pretty sure it was after I went to Wellbriety and joined the movement to become a healthier person.

I am not exactly sure when….because by all means I was anxious to get back to partying or at least having a beer….someday.

And I feigned AA meetings while in the halfway house because I “had to.” I went through the motions, pretended to look for a sponsor and teetered on that first step. AA works for many people but to me it wasn’t…me.

But I also hated calling myself an alcoholic, I didn’t want to be known as that for the rest of my life, I didn’t want to give myself that leeway to go back to what the world knew me as….and what I called myself after introduction at EVERY meeting.

I went to Wellbriety and said, like everyone else did “My name is Dana, and I am in recovery…”

It must have been with those words, or after we sang, or during prayer, sometime after that first meeting or during it, I realized I really didn’t want to drink anymore. I realized I wanted this feeling the people in the circle were sharing with me, everyday.

And then I realized that my sobriety wasn’t a struggle, it is a blessing.

Every day my sobriety is a blessing.

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3 thoughts on “How I Maintain…now

  1. i so know the feeling you’re talking about. i knew i had a drinking problem before my “bottom” and after it, i had no problem going to meetings and saying i’m an alcoholic. AA really works for me, personally, and i think if i weren’t an alcoholic i’d be jealous of those that were because the program works so well.

    Anyway, i’m glad you found your way and hope that your blessings continue.

    Be well.

  2. Omg, Dana, I some how missed reading this one, but im glad i read it now and it made me cry. I didn’t know thats how it went for you. sometimes i dont want to do Wellbriety any more because I get so discouraged, but what i just read made everything so clear again. I want to thank you for renewing my spirit and for just being you!!! I hope you know what a wonderful person you are and i feel privilged for meeting you. May I read this out loud because I think it might help the circle regain that one-thing-i- just-cant-put-my-finger thats seems to be lacking lately. See you Friday night

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