I was thinking the other day and well everyday I think think think, too much. how do you not? I think constantly while at work, on the bus, while walking…..thoughts race and crawl through my head.
I was thinking this evening as the bus raced past the busiest street in this state and past the bars and I looked out the window towards the bars and saw a few people sitting in the bar, probably visiting before the action started, slowly sipping on a drink through a tiny straw before they started slamming shots with names like “panty droppers” or “snakebites” or slowly sucking on a beer before they started slamming them, before the bar got packed and everyone started looking good, or maybe they were actually just there for that one drink, but as I looked through the windows watching people getting their drink on I remembered when I was them.
When I would sit and think if I started slow, I would be good, only to end up with a killer hangover the next day. I could almost smell the bar, the alcohol, the mixture of smell goods people doused themselves in, just in case…you know.
And I think back to when I decided to be sober.
I’m not sure when it was.
I know for sure it was after I got out.
I am pretty sure it was after I went to Wellbriety and joined the movement to become a healthier person.
I am not exactly sure when….because by all means I was anxious to get back to partying or at least having a beer….someday.
And I feigned AA meetings while in the halfway house because I “had to.” I went through the motions, pretended to look for a sponsor and teetered on that first step. AA works for many people but to me it wasn’t…me.
But I also hated calling myself an alcoholic, I didn’t want to be known as that for the rest of my life, I didn’t want to give myself that leeway to go back to what the world knew me as….and what I called myself after introduction at EVERY meeting.
I went to Wellbriety and said, like everyone else did “My name is Dana, and I am in recovery…”
It must have been with those words, or after we sang, or during prayer, sometime after that first meeting or during it, I realized I really didn’t want to drink anymore. I realized I wanted this feeling the people in the circle were sharing with me, everyday.
And then I realized that my sobriety wasn’t a struggle, it is a blessing.
Every day my sobriety is a blessing.