Inside~Out

I turn 40 this year. It’s an amazing number, now that I am almost there. Ten years ago, I would have thought-omg that is so old. And to be honest, it doesn’t feel old. I mean I don’t feel old. Even though my joints might pop or I might need an occasional cat nap, I feel the same as I always have.

I was thinking about my life. Or let me just say I always think about my life-I was thinking the other day about where I was a year ago. I was stressing over my release date, I was stressing over what was gonna happen when I got out-stress ruled my life and for no reason. None of it was in my control.

Thankful to my counselor who taught me to rid myself of unnecessary stress, I am obviously in a much better place in life right now. I know for the rest of my life, I will have to stand up for who I am as a convict. Yes-I am a felon and no-I am not a bad person. I know I will always be judged.

I don’t give a fuck who judges me, or what people think of me but I am eternally grateful for those who don’t. I know even within my own family (extended) there are those who judge. I don’t care. If anyone feels the need to be above me and judge me for my actions, or lack of, that is totally up to them. If my past bugs them, that’s on them.

I know it was what I did, not who I am. I know it is what it is. And I know all those prison jargons also don’t help when you get out and apply for jobs. I also know in my heart, my incarceration did not at all stop me. If anything, my drinking halted my life-my time on the inside will only motivate me to be a better person in every aspect. It is not holding me back from anything, but in turn, is making me grasp harder at this dream that is still somewhat fuzzy.

I know I am, for the most part stress free. I went into prison an addict, and tormented. My spirit was hurt. I left with my inner-peace. I went in lost and found myself. I am so grateful I spent my time in there, got to know the people I met in there, and learned the most about myself than in all the 38 years before I went in.

See who I am-is nobody special, I don’t have a college education, and I am not grammatically on cue EVER. I don’t put commas and dots in the right places, but I will throw my heart in my writing like nobody’s business. And I have a good honest, blue collar job that I love, I have few people in my day to day life that I choose, I have a circle of people who come together to recover in numbers, and I still have 4 bad ass kids.

And I’m free. That right there is beyond explanation. I cannot find a thesaurus or dictionary with enough words to tell you how it feels. In the words of a friend who was a two timer and was telling me how it felt the first time she got out “It feels fucking good.”

And it does. Thank you God.

Who would want to be in the 1% when you have all this?

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