Heart Shaped Box

I sit on the bus listening to this song. To me it feels like it came out yesterday but in the real world and not the constant movie of my life I wake up to every morning-this song is pretty old. When I think of it, my oldest boys were chasing each other around in diapers when this song came out. And I was chasing their father around, trying to make him behave and be a family man.
Wow, that was so long ago-so many days in between. My oldest boys were not the men they are now, not the men they had to learn to be to soon as they grew up with a single mom who always seemed probably lost.
Now here they go, off into the world on their own after this. A lot of people get the big misconception that those aren’t my boys because their dad basically took the reins for the last four years as I went through all the bullshit I had to. A lot of people back home think of them as “his boys” because he was there for all the glory of their sports. And I am thankful he stepped up and was there.
But only those that know me, know I was there in the emergency rooms, I was there working two jobs sometimes to keep a roof over our head and keep them fed know I was there in their hearts always.
If otherwise, they would hate me, and only one gives me a hard time part time, but that’s nothing new. He has been that way since birth. When I was in labor with him everything was progressing well and then he decided not to come out. Just like that. And that is how he still is in life. Last minute, stubborn decisions. That’s my second born.
My oldest has always been my most sensitive, quiet and the strongest. I remember him at age two, he was almost three and he asked me to get his toy car from under a love seat. As I was reaching back to get it, he lifted the love seat up. I smile when I think of the memory.
Last summer they came and stayed with me, and Jalen said “This is probably the last time I live with you in my life.”
I said “Why?” My breath got caught in the back of my throat and I could feel panic pace my heart rate.
He said “Duh, because I’m a man now. Plus, you kind of get on my nerves- now that you’re old.”
I can’t remember if it was exactly those words or if that is just what I heard. I still may be feeling a bit sorry for myself. But when did that happen? When did watching them run around while listening to Nirvana become so far away?
The cool thing is though that they listen to Nirvana too.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry. Ain’t gotta lie to kick it

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One thought on “Heart Shaped Box

  1. Ah, those were the days. Pearl Jam “10”, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Mother Love Bone, Temple of the Dog…

    And thanks for the insight into your life! The sincerity you wield is mightier than any sword.

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