I think life is so amazing when you finally start to realize that you are curling your fingers around it’s meaning and gripping, hanging on to every meaning, dream, realization, and epiphany. Hanging on with white knuckles because you know that any minute, any second can be a complete turn around. 360 degrees and you can slip and hit that bottom again. That is how bottom feels, for those of you who never hit it. It’s like swimming in a lake or river and you hit the bottom where it’s cold, an the rocks are scraping, and you can see the sun in little flashes and ripples and waves shining way up there. So you slowly make your way to the light.
The day you accept responsibility for your life, your actions, and stop blaming the world, is the day you begin to grow.
Not old, just growth in general. Your spirit is happy and you wake up seeing the sun instead of the clouds. And even the clouds are beautiful. Even the sun shines on them. Everlasting light.
That is how my life has been lately. Once I learned the art of letting stress roll off my shoulders about situations out of my control, I learned to accept the good along with the bad and looking at the bad as a possible opportunity to learn from or make better. Now I just see difficult situations like cold, harsh winds we have to walk against but knowing some where there is a warm spot waiting for us, making it worth it.
It was my past that brought me here, so I wouldn’t change it for the world.
My life is beautiful right now, I have 4 wonderful children who have amazed me every single day of their lives. From the minute I first heard their cries when I amazed myself by giving birth to watching their newborn eyes stare at me even in the dark with complete and pure love, to seeing them form opinions in matters of life on their own. They have endured as much, if not more than I have because they have had an absence of their mother in their life for a while.
And they still love me. So far. They have not once held any decisions I made or failed to make in my life or their lives against me. They have truly had my back through in and through out.
Because of the strength of my children I am more willing now in life to see and grasp for what is out there. I find or create opportunities. I feel like this world is spinning and I am running behind it even though I never go anywhere. I feel like that strength finally led me to my brother Wakiya, who is finally back in my life and it feels as if he never left. When we talk it is beautiful.
I know I will return home someday, I don’t know when. And I don’t know where home actually is right now. I know whatever happens, my heart is content. My job is unstable but I work when and where I can and do what I have to. I have another writing job to add to the resume and life with www.lastrealindians.com is the bomb. My book is beyond first chapter ready and we have moved onto chapter two. And I know every person in my life right now makes me happy…my children, my brother Wakiya, my huge extended family, my few friends, and him.
And that’s all I need.
All the money in the world couldn’t buy my happiness right now.