Winter Flower

So I am supposed to write about this new decade I hit last year. I hit the big 4-0. This year I am 41.

Since it is the beginning of a new decade, this is what my plan is.

I spent the first decade of my life basically trying to be carefree. However, a couple of incidents left me, hurt, broken, and afterwards feeling like I was never good enough. I burrowed within trying to hide my shameful self from the world. I was just a little girl, and had no idea it wasn’t my fault.

My teen age years I spent looking for love. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to be loved. I wanted that fairy tale. I thought I found that fairy tale at 16. He shot himself when we were 17. I thought I found that fairy tale at 17. I never learned in that decade that a fairy tale was fiction.

In my twenties, the third decade of my life, I stayed with my fairy tale co star. We had 3 sons. We thought we were in love or I did. He still was looking for love and I was trying to keep him home. I realized after 11 years, I would never be happy and my kids did not need to. See our fighting. I left him and drove over 600 miles to start a new life with my kids.

In my 30s, I had a few relationships back home. One resulted in a marriage that was a sham, one resulted in a felony conviction, and the last one resulted in the worst broken heart that I never thought existed. I was hurt while I did time.

This is the beginning of my 5th decade and I see how it is time to heal. Heal the broken spirit taken from me at age 6. Heal the heart that was broken to pieces by an ex and family member, heal my soul back into freedom and for once, love myself.

I always knew what I was capable of. I let my energy and heart and spirit and my pure essence go to loving without the return.

This is my time. My decade. To take care of me. Fulfill the dreams I looked to others to fill. I am that flower that survived the winter. Time to bloom.

Ain’t gotta lie to kick it

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