Dear Little Sister

Dear Little Sister,

After reading your friend’s letter and seeing what you put up with I am posting this blog for you. I am twice your age, and none of you let me forget that and it was always awesome to kind of be a second mom yet still scare the crap out of you with pranks. Well, I guess I did that with my kids too, who you grew up with. I remember being your age and thinking I could change the world. I remember thinking nothing could stop me. But I let everything stop me, from having kids, to a relationship, to working tiresome minimum wage, customer service oriented jobs. I was always overworked, underpaid, and thinking someday I will have that raw energy college kids have, that buzz you feel around them that is like a magnetic vibration, full of hope for the future and knowing you are the generation to make change. I remember lugging a baby on my hip and feeling that buzz as if it were ready to shock the world, walking among people my age. Except, I was thinking about how to pay the bills. I was hoping the youth could make life better for my kids someday. I believe deep down inside my soul a small part of me was still fluttering like a little moth thinking someday I will make change in the world. Well as we all know, in my 30’s I started to write. My voice was heard, finally. Then abruptly silenced for a couple of years from faults of my own, mixing with the wrong crowd, addictions. Every chance I had to be a role model to you or my children, I threw carelessly to the wind as if I were littering.

But with that silence I found inner peace. I found my strength. And I found the will to make my rock bottom into stepping stones. The only way I could come back to rise above anything I ever had before was with my voice. And I did. I never let anyone look down on me, tell me I couldn’t when I knew I can. I had a long journey to get here and I am only halfway there!

This is what I admire about you. You have this fire burning inside you. You have a knowledge that surpasses your years, and you know what you want. That fire is good, don’t ever let it go out. You can make change, so can I, in our world and the world around us. You had a long tough summer in a tough city with a tough job, being treated the way you were. But you are stronger, undefeated. You have more than some people have, you have your ancestors and your father right beside you in this fight. I am reposting a poem I wrote to encourage myself when I found myself being challenged by those who thought they were above me. Love you, little brat and remember you still owe me for cleaning the toothpaste you painted on the wall off with my leather coat.

Your big sister Dana

Wallow

Did you think I would lie back like a buffalo and wallow
Just because I am from a reality to bitter for you to swallow
Did you think I would hang my head like the End of the Trail
Just because your blue eyes are screaming at me to fail
Did you think I would stomp and cry a trail of tears
Just because your daddys gavel can pound out years
Well then, you have no idea just who I am
I really don’t care if you have the upper hand
I don’t care for your white bread crusts cut off suburban tupperware
Not when my children are living in an American third world warfare
So lets come on down and make a deal
Pretend you care, I’ll pretend you’re real
Pretend you like me, I’ll pretend I feel
Just so you know that who I really am
Is an Indian without her land
An Indian who looks to the horizon when she stands
An Indian that knows that she can
So go ahead smile your saccharine and pretend to like me while you mistreat me
I’ll pretend I give a damn while knowing you’ll never defeat me

Dana Lone Hill © 2011

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